Drop Back

I like to read several books at once, and among those I am currently reading are The Discernment of Spirits (an Ignatian guide for everyday living by Fr. Timothy Gallagher about St. Ignatius of Loyola's Rules), Introduction to the Devout Life  (a compliation of letters and notes St. Francis de Sales use d in the spiritual direction of his cousin), and Iyengar: The Yoga Master (a book of essays compiled by his student and devotee, Kofi Busia).  All of them offer fantastic insights into people of great spirituality.  One of the essays about Iyengar points out that he practiced dropping back from standing into back bends almost until the time of his death at the age of 95 (just a few years ago).  It was a weekly practice for him.  My body currently cannot drop into a back bend, assisted or unassisted.  However, I can do a headstand, and it is incredible to me that I can do this.  Headstands were something I worked on for MONTHS, and the moment I finally kicked up into one was one of the most moving moments in my life - simultaneously exhilirating and frightening.  Admittedly, I have not (yet) done one in the middle of the room on a yoga mat (or anywhere on a hard surface).  So now, one of the things I'm working on is getting the guts to do it somewhere other than on a cushioned mat surface.  On my Amazon wish list is a headstand chair, so that I can safely kick up at home on a more regular basis to build up that confidence to do it in the middle of a room during class.  Probably the first time I try that, I will fall right out of it.  That's okay - one of the things you learn when practicing some of the more delicate (and aerial) yoga poses is how to fall safely.  Still scary, especially when you're inverted, to feel that momentary loss of control, but that's one of the lessons yoga teaches us about life.  We aren't in control, and one of the ways Babe Ruth made so many home runs is that he kept getting up to bat (he actually struck out more times than he made a hit, but that's not what we remember about him, is it?)  When, on one of those attempts, you actually land a full expression of a pose, glory be, it is one of the most beautiful experiences.  Your entire being doesn't DO the asana, you ARE the asana ... and it's a cool thing to BE!

Inspired by Iyengar and the life stories of St. Francis de Sales and St. Ignatius Loyola (both of whom gave up positions of great pride and worldly honor for their faith and both of whom suffered their own physical torments), I am now making the goal of dropping back part of my practice.  I have never done it, and it is very scary.  Truth be told, I have not previously allowed myself to set that goal, thinking of it as only for the perfect Instagrammable bodies.  Only for those who were maybe super-talented gymnasts as young girls.  Somehow I have never felt worthy or something.  But I am giving myself permission now to think "maybe" and I know that, with enough work, that will turn into "I WILL drop back".  It's probably going to take five years of regular asana practice for me to get there.  That is the fruit of patience and practice.  So I am grateful now for the joy that I will feel then.

As far as my regular practice, I am currently playing with Anusara yoga, but I have the highest regard for B.K.S. Iyengar and his ability to combine in yoga what we call will, knowledge, and action.  My practice will now every week include a committed time to working on opening my heart and spirit into becoming a back bend.

Luceat Lux Vestra.  Luctor et Emergo.