The Grace of Being in Flow: The Devil's Face

Consumption used to be my sin of choice until God had something to say about it.  And, well, a priest, a meditation app, and a yoga textbook.

Here's how it went.  I have been working (with the guidance of some amazing coaches I have reached out to) on my plan of action, my RPM (Tony Robbins' brainchild - can't recommend him enough!)  My homework for myself had been to craft the Results (my vision) and my Purpose.  They were powerful, and I was on fire!  And I was working on designing my MAP (Massive Action Plan), and I realized if I was going to overcome my biggest weakness I was going to have to own it and ask for help.  At that time (no longer true!), my biggest lifestyle weakness was consumption/gluttony.

"God, my biggest challenge is that I'm addicted to consumption."

That conversation forced me to consider what I most liked to consume.  Yikes, I knew that meant I would no longer be able to do these things, but I was committed, so I leaped.  Comfort food - any really, but pasta and chips and dip were high on the list - and any kind of boozy, smoky tasting cocktail, usually with a whiskey base, oh and buying anything online that I found beautiful or charming.

(BTW, this was obviously not an actual dialogue as in I heard a voice and responded out loud, but I wanted to give you a sense of the process I went through ...)

OK, Amanda.  What does comfort food do to your body?

"Well, not much that's good.  I've heard you can develop a tolerance to it, like to drugs and alcohol, that means you may need more food over time to feel the sense of wellbeing that is desired.  It can have negative long-term health effects.  For example, it can give you heart disease.  While it might make you feel better temporarily, it does nothing to solve the underlying emotional problem that is causing the craving.  Definitely has never helped my focus or ability to stay present."

So I closed my eyes.  And I thought about the number one underlying emotional problem that was fueling my consumption, and it was anger and a lack of ability to forgive.  I imagined that anger being poured into comfort food and alcohol during the manufacturing process ... just poured and poured ... I could see it.  It was endless, it just kept going.

"Wow, quite the image, got it."

OK, then I imagined it was being poured into shopping cart checkouts, out of a huge container, an almost infinite bag.  I saw it.

Actually saw it.

Now, I know this might sound too ... stupid (?) to some of you, but just bear with me.  I know what The Devil is.  He's a fallen angel that seduces people into sin, and that's who was driving all that anger in my life, mine, Amanda's ... not me doing it to myself, but The Devil, weaseling his way in.  And I stamped his face onto that HUGE bag of anger in my mind.  I saw it.

Wow, did I see it.

So I knew this was a powerful moment, but I had no idea how God would move to send this message to me.

There I am, just a few minutes after having had this prayer experience and working on my MAP, and I picked up a yoga book I bought last year and never read (can you say consumption?)  Part and parcel with changing my life is changing how I relate to my things (highly recommend!) and going back and finishing things I started or getting rid of them - as a professional organizer I can tell you that things can clutter our thoughts, emotions, and even spirit simply by being in our home - whether it's a pile of mail, clothes that are never worn, dog toys the pups have ripped the squeakers out of, some weird music an ex-boyfriend gave me ...

I opened this book, decided I would read, journal, and move through it from start to finish.  Not set it aside to do it later, start to do it right then.  What was the first topic in the book?  Forgiveness.  It's a collection of meditations and writing exercises and movement sequences centered around five topics, and the first was forgiveness - um, hello?!

Honestly, I laughed, thanked God, and I think I said out loud "Got it!  GOT it!  Anger is sin.  No more.  Time to forgive" and I did the journaling exercise in the book about releasing tension being a way to forgive.  Wow, God really does speak to us when we bother to listen.  I have regrettably gone so long in life without remembering that, but it happens more and more when I spend time with God and I actively work to bring my life and my dreams together.  But I'm not done.

The next day, I fired up the Hallow app, which I use for daily prayer and meditation.  I selected a random item from the playlist.  For Lent, I've been doing a morning meditation/prayer, an evening one, and then midday one from their Lent 40 series.  What was it that I chose that day (and didn't know what it was until it started) ... the Litany of Humility!  (A long list of requests for humility, like "From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, O Jesus ... That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it" etc.)  So not a chuckling moment, but an opportunity to thank God again.  Wow, God really wanted to get in my head this whole "you have nothing to be angry about, everyone suffers, even Jesus you ninny, welcome it, be humble, and let it go".  Got it: anger = pride = sin.

Fast forward one week, and I went to Adoration for the first time in almost a year.  (Yeah, starting to get an idea of how sin had managed to sneak into my life?)  I went in with an intent to be with God in silence and then go to Confession.  As we are all sitting there in the middle of the silence (Adoration is a silent time, other than some brief prayers when the Blessed Sacrament is placed on the altar and again when it is removed), in comes Father Nick and goes to the lectern.  "Sorry for the interruption!  We are livestreaming the Holy Hour tonight for middle school students and their families.  So I'm going to give a short homily for them."  What was it about?  Forgiveness! 

"Got it, God!" I wanted to shout.  (I didn't.)  But I did almost laugh out loud.  Wow, a Trinity of reminders, God's power in action, the beauty that is available when we meditate and do spiritual reading and go to church and PAY ATTENTION.  An infinite supply of overwhelming love and support.

You won't be surprised that the anger I was holding onto is gone.  Granted it has only been a few days since that last reminder, but I have a feeling it is gone for good this time.  No comfort food and no desire for any.  Nope, no boozy whiskey drinks and no desire for any.  I have placed things into my Amazon cart (including some gorgeous bins for storing some of the items/projects currently in progress), and I will be purchasing those things, but there's not the sense of compuslion about it, yet at the same time I of course do need things and I don't want to go in the opposite direction and become a fetishist about never buying anything (that whole Live for a Year with Only 20 Possessions thing is NOT me!)  So, when the actual need for something comes up, I will click on Buy Now, but otherwise I'm leaving all that stuff in the cart and not thinking about it.  Comfort food and whiskey and shopping all are very pleasurable, but all I need is a small serving and I can move on.

Life is more grace-filled, joyful, and unconstrained without my "addiction" to anger (BTW, we need to be careful about using words like addiction - they actually have very specific meanings and we trivialize the struggles of actual addicts and aggrandize our own foibles when we use words like that in an effort to amp up the drama of our own experience ;)).  Anyway, my mind is sharper, my emotions are more loving and inclusive, my body is healthier, and I feel so beloved in having another aspect of my new identity: woman-who-remembers-that-hurt-people-hurt-people-and-that-there-is-a-supernatural-power-available-to-help-us-forgive-them

Moments of Gratitude 2

 Remembering that when I count the moments of gratitude, the moments of gratitude count more:

1.  Putting a puzzle with beautiful dragonflies in my Amazon cart.  I love puzzles, and I love dragonflies, and I'm grateful in advance for the moments spent doing this puzzle!

2.  My feet in natural water (not a swimming pool) for the first time in almost a year.  Big stretch of my comfort zone to put my feet in the water in February!

3.  The pleasure of finding an awesome, reliable, sweet, and kind place for my dogs to go for a staycation - they will play with them, snuggle with them, take them as they are, and see them "as part of our pack"!

4.  Another item in my Amazon cart: swim noodles for the summer, and grateful in advance for the moments when I will have my friends over to my pool this summer and we will laugh like crazy.  Remembering how grateful I am to be able to slip into my pool when the sun's rays get too hot in the summer.

5.  Grateful for the future hugs endless hugs I will get from my soul mate when I pick him up at the airport.

6.  The joy of my future child's giggle and the pleasure we will have horsing around.

7.  Pure confidence from being on a path filled with light and joy and forward movement, KNOWING that I'm on the right path, KNOWING I'm on it FOR GOOD.

8.  Setting clear boundaries by letting someone know that I didn't want to talk about a man I used to date (even though I did have to ask more than once, I remained calm and clear and confident, so it was a double victory).  Why should we talk about things we don't want to talk about unless we are going to gain something from it (like spiritual growth)?

9.  The fluidity and joy of being able to choose where my energy goes in any given moment.  Bliss from bringing it back to the here and now and my highest priority, even if in that moment it is just some boring task I have decided to attend to.

10.  Realizing I have REALLY stepped into my expanded identity of taking care of myself.  Almost one week of no sweets!  Hydrating.  Trying to alkalize.  Eating when hungry and making sure every meal or snack includes at least one fruit or vegetable.  Not allowing myself to get too hungry.  Remembering my body is a miracle from God (is that too ... something for you?  Another opportunity for you to practice your open-mindedness ;)) and LISTENING to my body and honoring it.

11.  Reconnecting with how in love I am with yoga by trying out different YouTube videos and sequences from my yoga books and websites and ordering a series from Hillary Rubin and Wai Lana's Flexibility DVD.  Our bodies are AMAZING and all they need is the right combination of discipline and love.  The joy of an asana that at first seemed impossible and now just gets deeper and deeper.

12.  Getting closer and closer to 165 on the scale, which I know I will see again soon.  😎

13.  Appreciating that the coaching certifications I am currently working on and the ones I am considering investing in next are exactly the right fit for me.  I have been "unofficially" coaching for so long now, and I have wondered about how much exactly I can learn from these different programs.  Wow, have I been wrong, and what a great investment they have been.  Not everything in every program has been earth-shattering, but some of it really is brand new, and I tremendously respect the people I have learned from.  And I LOVE getting opportunities to practice teaching and coaching!  (In fact, if you're reading this and are interested, there are some things I am teaching and coaching on right now complimentary or at a deeply discounted rate!)  PLUS I am really finding my own voice and am getting very clear on the direction I want to take my practice and my business and my brand.  No, I don't want to be "another life coach" ... I have so much personal experience and have learned so much from so many different approaches that I KNOW what I am offering is unique.

14.  My intuition and clarity about men I am meeting on Match.  The ability to NOT make it an obsessive quest or an intellectual project or a quest for The Ideal Man, and instead knowing that I can turn it over to God and the Saints and Angels and they will lead me to the right places to put my attention - and keep me away from the WRONG places.

15.  Taking the time to write this, pretty late at night after a long day.  I am not a writer unless I write, and saying I am a writer makes me smile!  And practicing the art of "writing for the trashcan" - it doesn't have to be perfect, especially when it's just about getting down on paper what I am grateful for today.

Drop Back

I like to read several books at once, and among those I am currently reading are The Discernment of Spirits (an Ignatian guide for everyday living by Fr. Timothy Gallagher about St. Ignatius of Loyola's Rules), Introduction to the Devout Life  (a compliation of letters and notes St. Francis de Sales use d in the spiritual direction of his cousin), and Iyengar: The Yoga Master (a book of essays compiled by his student and devotee, Kofi Busia).  All of them offer fantastic insights into people of great spirituality.  One of the essays about Iyengar points out that he practiced dropping back from standing into back bends almost until the time of his death at the age of 95 (just a few years ago).  It was a weekly practice for him.  My body currently cannot drop into a back bend, assisted or unassisted.  However, I can do a headstand, and it is incredible to me that I can do this.  Headstands were something I worked on for MONTHS, and the moment I finally kicked up into one was one of the most moving moments in my life - simultaneously exhilirating and frightening.  Admittedly, I have not (yet) done one in the middle of the room on a yoga mat (or anywhere on a hard surface).  So now, one of the things I'm working on is getting the guts to do it somewhere other than on a cushioned mat surface.  On my Amazon wish list is a headstand chair, so that I can safely kick up at home on a more regular basis to build up that confidence to do it in the middle of a room during class.  Probably the first time I try that, I will fall right out of it.  That's okay - one of the things you learn when practicing some of the more delicate (and aerial) yoga poses is how to fall safely.  Still scary, especially when you're inverted, to feel that momentary loss of control, but that's one of the lessons yoga teaches us about life.  We aren't in control, and one of the ways Babe Ruth made so many home runs is that he kept getting up to bat (he actually struck out more times than he made a hit, but that's not what we remember about him, is it?)  When, on one of those attempts, you actually land a full expression of a pose, glory be, it is one of the most beautiful experiences.  Your entire being doesn't DO the asana, you ARE the asana ... and it's a cool thing to BE!

Inspired by Iyengar and the life stories of St. Francis de Sales and St. Ignatius Loyola (both of whom gave up positions of great pride and worldly honor for their faith and both of whom suffered their own physical torments), I am now making the goal of dropping back part of my practice.  I have never done it, and it is very scary.  Truth be told, I have not previously allowed myself to set that goal, thinking of it as only for the perfect Instagrammable bodies.  Only for those who were maybe super-talented gymnasts as young girls.  Somehow I have never felt worthy or something.  But I am giving myself permission now to think "maybe" and I know that, with enough work, that will turn into "I WILL drop back".  It's probably going to take five years of regular asana practice for me to get there.  That is the fruit of patience and practice.  So I am grateful now for the joy that I will feel then.

As far as my regular practice, I am currently playing with Anusara yoga, but I have the highest regard for B.K.S. Iyengar and his ability to combine in yoga what we call will, knowledge, and action.  My practice will now every week include a committed time to working on opening my heart and spirit into becoming a back bend.

Luceat Lux Vestra.  Luctor et Emergo.

Moments of Gratitude

Remembering that when I count the moments of gratitude, the moments of gratitude count more (and that when I am grateful now for things I want in my life in the future, I help to co-create those things into existence), here are some from the last few days:

1.  Tamale and Petunia (my sweet dogs) getting their teeth cleaning appointments made (and for having both the time and the money to make this happen; Tamale will also have X-rays while she is under, as she seems to be having some pain issues in her lower back).  Grateful in advance for the news that they are both OKAY!

2.  Blogging!  This is FUN, y'all.  I don't know if anyone will ever read it, but it's such a commitment on my part to my new expanded identity.  It has been much easier and more fulfilling than I thought it would.  I'm addicted to something great!

3.  Walking further and further each time on my training walks!  Oh my miraculous body (and how thankful I am to God for it, no apologies if that is too New Age for you) ... how fast it's learning!

4.  Grateful in advance for the child I have always wanted and that I am praying God to somehow bring me and for the moments snugglehugging that child while listening to him/her talk about some kid thing that is important in kid world.

5.  Starting to build a workshop on Expanded Identity.  Teaching the workshop to an audience will probably be the hardest thing I've ever done, and I'm allowing myself to nevertheless enjoy the process.  Getting the idea to introduce the workshop this spring or summer at Sacred Circle.

6.  Grateful in advance for an outing I am planning to Burke Lake this spring when the weather warms up with a couple of girlfriends and maybe some others who want to join ... picnic and beach volleyball which I am terrible at so there will be lots of awkwardness and falling ... and laughing so hard it is going to hurt!

agapepod

My iPod consistently and dependably serves me spiritual teachings.  Because so much of life in Alexandria currently lacks in-person gatherings, I do have a dedicated home practice.  But sometimes it's too much of a challenge to conjure up the inner priest for a full luscious home meditation/prayer session.  (Yes, I pray to what you might think of as The Great Creator.)  On my iPod (affectionately named CatholiPod) one of the genres is "Prayer Practice".  I can always get my fix of star teachers and theologians and their live "unplugged" devoctions.  It's pretty cool.  Mind you, this is no substitute for the "real thing", but I'm grateful for my "imaginary friends Ekklesia".  In the last year since focusing primarily on Carmelite prayer, I benefit greatly from a Catholic podcast called The Daily Disconnect, which ROCKS.  Almost as good as being on Mount Carmel or in Rome.  BIG gratitude for the work they are doing.

Today I dropped Dad at the airport and reflected that my last time in an airport as a passenger was in 2019 for my 30th high school reunion in New England.  My next time may be later this year to New Orleans for Jazz Festing.

Nevertheless, I am used to being on the road and the CatholiPod certainly provides a sanctuary, even in the present day total panic that airports have become.  And I will continue my search for my Rabbouni  in the not so obvious places.

Expanding My Identity: Joining The 3 Day

Those who know me know I am not a big exerciser.  Er.  I haven't been a big exerciser, but I have set a goal to complete The 3 Day this year, so I have become one.  That's what's great about developing focus.  You just decide on a new aspect of your identity, and then act as that new identity.  God, or the Great Creator (sure, some Native American god, whatever works for you) sends us sources and events that allow us to become a better expression of who we were created to be, and we just have to be paying attention in order to notice them ... it is often like a gentle alarm clock that starts off faintly and gradually becomes more insistent until we sit up and take notice.  And then, before you know it, you're in connection with the flow of good orderly direction, heading toward grace! 

I have a bad knee from injuries many years ago and recently started to have some stress-related joint issues in my big toe at a job I was not loving.  The toe was excruciating really, and the knee can be at times.  Truth be told, I'd prefer not to go into the specifics, because it brings me back to some emotions I'd really rather not have: mostly fear (Oh my word, I can't stand, I can't even think about anything else because the pain is fogging my mind ... am I permanently disabled?  Who is going to care for my aging father?  For Petunia and Tamale (my dogs)?  Am I going to pass out?  No, but maybe burst into tears ... :)  pain, embarrassment (although some people I worked with were incredibly kind, I thought I might be getting gout and would be judged for somehow bringing this on myself, that I might lose my independence - this is a time when my grief over not having a life partner can really reach up and grab me).  But it led to this great gift, this opportunity to rethink my identity around health and vitality.  Here's the story.

Well, I left that unhappy job last week and suddenly have had time for conscious movement as often as I would like.  All at once, I have been moving again on my own terms because I could, and I have remembered that I love it!  Warm-ups on the treadmill, yoga and balance exercises, tons of movement to train my brain and my body to remember how to communicate again.  I love moving, paying attention to my body, having the freedom to discipline myself every day, and the blessing of my yoga teacher training and some great podcasts to tell me exactly what I need to do to get healthy again.

As I have begun paying attention to my body (and not the unhelpful and superficial and ego-driven attention I was giving it when certain clothing items didn't fit the way I would like them to), I have started thinking about what I can do with it that will give me a GOAL (I do well with specific, time-sensitive goals with some sort of external accountability) and more JOY in my life - the kind of joy that comes from doing something new and having fun while doing it.

Then I remembered that I always wanted to do a challenging physical event that would really push my body, and I realized that taking that goal on now sounded fun.  Some of the events have been cancelled or indefinitely postponed because of the pandemic, but not all of them, and somehow without my even realizing it, I just had a feeling that I should revist doing something I had always wanted to do, and I went to the website to check, and sure enough The 3 Day is happening later this year, with one location very near where Dad lives.  Hmmm, that sounded interesting, and it's only walking so that doesn't sound too intimidating.  A 60-mile walk over the course of three days.  Raises funds for Komen for the Cure and promotes awareness to fight breast cancer (my mother died from breast cancer eight years ago).  I was intrigued.  Here is an alarm clock going off.  Time to do a little research.

First, is this something I want to train for with other friends who are not big exercisers?  I am a bit intimidated to join a group that already has done this event before ... they will be faster, stronger, more flexible - everything I would like to be in my body but am not yet.  So I may ask a couple of girlfriends.  But I have a feeling one of them is going to decline, as she is currently facing the likelihood of a total hip replacement and committing to three days of walking six months from now is probably not in the cards for her, regardless of whether she is pre- or post-surgery at that point.  LOL, right?!  The other is likely not going to want to travel to New England for The 3 Day.

For now, I have decided to dive into the pool alone.

As I'm contemplating that, I have tackled the next order of business ... would my body be ready?

I've done research on The 3 Days's website and other places, and all the news is yes!  Six months is plenty of time to do the recommended training plan.

So I am commiting: one of my three main goals for the next three months is to get in the best shape of my life, and I'm looking forward to hopefully working with a life coach who can give me some homework in this area.  One thing I've done to get myself started is to listen to Louise Hay's Atmospheres and Affirmations.  Man, people like her and Tony Robbins amaze me!  It's not always about hearing something new and earth-shattering (although sometimes I do), it's hearing from people who say things in a certain way ... totally confident, totally centered, totally in divine flow.  I'm listening and doing exercises on who I WAS and who I am now choosing to be, and it's becoming clear.  My expanded identity includes being fast, strong, flexible, and balanced ... and registering for The 3 Day is the perfect way to step into this new identity.

And I've begen the training process.  3 miles one day, day of rest, 3 miles one day, day of rest ... then 30 minutes cross training.  Then 3 miles the next day, 3 miles the day after that.  The next week is the same, except one day goes up to 4 miles.  Week after is the same, except one day is 4 miles and another day is 5 miles.  On the off days, I am going to try the elliptical, and I'm also doing daily yoga and calisthenics.  Regardless of where I am on the walking training, I'm really going to hold myself accountable to daily yoga.  The training plan is 24 weeks long, and I'm 26 weeks out, so I will need to buckle down soon.  Got the training plan on my phone and yoga podcasts all downloaded.

Yes, I've got tons of motivational playlists from Hay House and others to keep my brain busy while I work out!

I am thrilled to say, "I am now a big exerciser!"

Can't yet tell you that I love exercising, though I'm hoping that will come, but I can tell you I LOVE the feeling after.  There is nothing like the sweaty, slighty sore, incredibly powerful, slightly looser feeling after you have stretched your body just past the edge of its limits, with a mind and soul now able to imagine new possibilities.